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| "Look at those sweet, sweet, needles. Ooh, just imagine how much sap is in there..." |
The last time I saw Kellie Martin, she was a young resident on the NBC drama ER, lying on the floor of Chicago Grace, bleeding out after being stabbed by a crazed patient. I’m happy that 15 years later, she’s doing somewhat better and starring in a Hallmark holiday movie.
Kathy (Martin) is a recently widowed shop owner in a small town trying her best just to get through the holiday season. Full disclosure: I missed the first twenty minutes of this movie, so I don’t know her husband’s name or how he died. For the sake of this review, let’s name him Glen, and let’s assume he died in one of the two ways people always die in made-for-tv movies: a tragically vague disease that keeps him stunningly handsome until the very end, or a car accident. She’s currently managing Glen’s bike shop, but her heart’s just not in it - she’d much rather bake cookies for the masses. I had no idea what her job was for the first hour or so, until she finally popped in to check up on the bike shop and its finances. As a small shop owner who spends more time out and about getting coffee and visiting friends than in her own shop selling merchandise, Kathy carries on that fine tradition of made-for-tv movie (rarely) working women. Other possible career choices are marketing-lady (with nothing real to market, but occasional hallway run-ins with the boss) and schoolteacher (with minimal time in a classroom).
Not only did Glen love selling bikes, he also loved Christmas, specifically ornaments and decorating the tree. Kathy and Glen had hundreds of special, meaningful ornaments, none more important than a butterfly ornament. Kathy can’t bear to decorate a tree or celebrate Christmas in any way this year without poor Dead Glen. Moments later, we meet Tim the Christmas tree merchant (played by Cameron Mathison). Tim is single, attractive, and has so many Christmas trees he’s willing to give several away to sad Kathy. For someone with a seasonal job selling Christmas trees, Tim has also managed to acquire multiple acres of land to grow more Christmas trees. This plot development intrigues Kathy. Nothing says “hot” like “pine trees”.
I would like to take a moment and say that there is no way in hell Tim realistically sells Christmas trees. The last person I bought a tree from was an old man from Nova Scotia who had no teeth and could have been sung about in Cher’s ballad “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”. We nicknamed him Pepere Tree. Tim, on the other hand, is way too attractive and wholesome to sell trees. It’s just not possible.
Kathy spends most of the movie conflicted. Does she pursue Tim and take on decorating a tree, or does she continue to mourn tragically Dead Glen in her giant, sparse house? Does she continue to run that bike shop, or does she follow her cookie dreams? This movie should be called The Christmas Ornament: A widower's guide to guilt-ridden wishy-washy holiday-based choices. It takes multiple conversations for her to resolve the quandary of whether or not she should attend a friend’s ugly sweater party (is it going to honor Glen's memory? Or is it too insensitive?). Spoiler alert: she decides to go but mopes throughout the party.
Much of the movie surrounds trees. Tim’s tree shop, Tim’s acres upon acres of trees, and Kathy decorating and undecorating a Christmas tree. I just decorated my tree. I have a tabletop tree and about 20 ornaments, and it took over an hour to decorate it. Somehow, Kathy is able to set up and take down a tree at least four times in a moment’s notice. Is this tree-based magic, or is she just that good after spending years married to Christmas-loving Glen? During one of her many tree-decorating scenes, the beloved butterfly ornament is broken. Gasp! Kathy decides that this isn’t just a case of gravity getting the best of a heavy ornament strung on a flimsy branch, but instead a sign from Dead Glen that she should not be with Tim. So she gets rid of one of her many free trees and decides that she needs to be alone with the shards of her broken ornament and accept her single existence for the rest of her life…
…that is, until a magical package arrives at the door. It’s an exact replica of her broken butterfly ornament with a note from Dead Glen saying he’ll always love her and essentially giving her the okay to date again. Let’s take a moment and say "Umm… WHAT?!" If I were Kathy, and I got an ornament identical to the one I had broken, I would not think Dead Glen was giving me his blessing to start dating again. Nope. I’d assume Tim was trying to trick me into making out with him in his Christmas forest. And then I would slap him and say “no way, you manipulative jerk” and then become a crazy cat lady. But no, Kathy decides that this is a message from Glen and goes running to be with Tim and all of his trees and close the bike shop and make cookies. And everyone is happy at Christmastime after all.
The Christmas Ornament is equal parts boring, expected, and covered in pine needles. I don’t recommend this one.
NSM – Non-Santa Movie
QCM – Questionable Christmas Mysticism
DH – Dead Husband
FJ – Fake Jobs
Off to enjoy some chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
- Sarah Elf
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