Moonlight and Mistletoe

Moonlight and Mistletoe / 2008 / made-for-tv movie

If only mom were here to see this...

I'm going to break form a bit for this one - it has a special place in my heart.  I grew up with this genre, way way back, before watching movies on DVD, DVR or (gasp!) the internet was a possibility.  Yes, Virginia, there was an era dominated by live TV viewing...  I think the commercials might have been better, but it's a little fuzzy.  I was always a cartoon man myself, but many a drab, rainy New England weekday night was spent around the mountainous family laundry pile heaped high atop the parental bed.

Window Wonderland

Window Wonderland / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

This window display must have taken updwards of ten minutes to put together.

Chyler Leigh brings it.  The Grey’s Anatomy alum stars as Sloan Van Doren, artsy store decorator at a Macy’s surrogate.  Sporting a short pixie-cut and chic all black, grey, and white wardrobe, she cuts through the Manhattan hustle and bustle with genuine star quality.  Elfen-nosed and rosy-cheeked, dark brooding eyes beset in her wan, porcelain-white face, with the hint of a smile perpetually working its way across her holly-berry-red lips, she is absolute City Christmas perfection.

Naughty or Nice

Naughty or Nice / 2012 / made-for-tv movie

Picture time - mouths open, everyone!

I like cramming in as many holiday movies as I can each Christmas season. The trouble is, its often hard to carve out an uninterrupted chunk of time to watch. And since I don't have a DVR, I have to be Johnny-on-the-spot with my screenings - I've missed birthdays, family dinners, and my wife's all too short 'sex window.'

Christmas Bounty

Christmas Bounty / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

Nothing says "New Jersey Christmas" like a family trip to the mall.

From the moment "WWE" popped up in the opening credits, I knew this one would be a gem.  A welcome departure from the standard fare, it's basically a rom-com wrapped up in the trappings of a Miami Vice episode.  Oh, and it takes place during Christmas.

Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe

Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe / 2009 / made-for-tv movie

Who knew Jenny McCarthy could act?

This movie is insane.  There's nothing better than jumping into a trashy sequel never having seen the first one.  If you laid out the key points - made-for-tv sequel to a generic made-for-tv original, Jenny McCarthy saves Christmas again, Santa has an identity crisis, ambitious she-elf jockeys for power in the workshop - I would assume I would end up bailing.  Which I almost did, multiple times.  But I stuck it out, and I'm glad I did.  Two things kept sucking me back in - Paul Sorvino's phenomenal Santa Claus, and an unsettling subtextual read on the Elves as a dehumanized slave labor force.

Dear Secret Santa

Dear Secret Santa / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

Yo Homes, smell ya later.

Here's a five word review: Tyler Perry's The Lake House.

I could go on, but I really hit the nail on the head with that last line.

Holiday In Handcuffs

Holiday in Handcuffs / 2007 / made-for-tv movie

Mario Lopez falls head-over-heels for his captor.

'Holiday in Handcuffs' starts off with a bang - Its a wintery night and a car is creeping down a wooded back road, driven by Melissa Joan Hart (MJH from now on, sorry, no idea about her character's name). Her narration teases us with one of those, "I never would have imagined I'd spend Christmas Eve doing this," lines. Classic setup. I'm already hooked.

When Angels Come to Town

When Angels Come To Town / 2004 / made-for-tv movie

The prop department ran out of stripes for this candy cane.

When Angels Come To Town is a bizarre and confusing 2004 movie from The Hallmark Channel.  This is 2-3 movies shoved into one.

Crazy For Christmas

Crazy For Christmas / 2005 / made-for-tv movie

It's hard out there for a single made-for-tv movie mom.

Howard Hesseman plays Fred Nickells, a wildly rich man.  He is insanely rich.  Like, owns multiple buildings in the best Manhattan neighborhoods rich.  Nickells is in the winter of his life, and apparently has gone off the deep end - this Christmas, he is intent to give away thousands upon thousands of dollars, spending it willy nilly, tossing cash at whoever happens across his path.

Finding Mrs. Claus

Finding Mrs. Claus / 2012 / made-for-tv movie

Will Sasso is undeniable.

This is a bona-fide Santa movie.  It’s about fucking time.  There’s no skimping on the set pieces - all of the Vegas location shots are great, and the North Pole cabin scenes are good enough to make me forget I’m watching a made-for-tv movie (there must have been some serious Nevada Film Office kickbacks, because this thing’s got a legit budget).

Hitched for the Holidays

Hitched for the Holidays / 2011 / made-for-tv movie

What a cute Hanukkah bush...  the tree's not bad, either. 

In the world of low budget holiday cinema, the premise is bound to be half-baked. It's all plot holes, one-dimensional characters, and contradictory morals. After a couple beers I can usually suspend my disbelief long enough to buy into even the most absurd story. But "Hitched For The Holidays" hinged on one of the weakest conceits I've seen on celluloid, and it left me screaming at my TV.

Kelly Clarkson's Cautionary Christmas Tale

Kelly Clarkson's Cautionary Christmas Tale / 2013 / tv special - BAILED


I’m not going to dignify this with an image, or a trailer.  Or a clip.  Google it if you have to (if you’ve got nothing better to do).

The Christmas Ornament

The Christmas Ornament / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

"Look at those sweet, sweet, needles.   Ooh, just imagine how much sap is in there..."

The last time I saw Kellie Martin, she was a young resident on the NBC drama ER, lying on the floor of Chicago Grace, bleeding out after being stabbed by a crazed patient.  I’m happy that 15 years later, she’s doing somewhat better and starring in a Hallmark holiday movie.

A Very Merry Mix-up

A Very Merry Mix-up / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

"What are the chances that each of our families has a deep romantic tradition tied to clocks?"

A dead father looms large over this enterprise.  Family is important, we are told.  And shown.  And told a few more times.  Be bold, fight for true love, don't settle.  And never give up on your dreams, or your dead parents' dreams.  This movie hits all the notes.  With a framing hammer.

Fir Crazy

Fir Crazy / 2013 / made-for-tv movie

Selling trees and changing hearts, MacReynold's style.

There often comes a time in a young made-for-tv-holiday-movie woman's life when she must turn her back on a promising career, dash her dreams and aspirations, and plummet so far down the ladder of success that she's forced into a menial, thankless job and is, of course, deeply humbled. For better or for worse, she also gets a heavy dose of 'the true meaning of Christmas' in the process. Such is the case with Fir Crazy. Elise MacReynolds (Sarah Lancaster, best known for her role as Rachel in Saved by the Bell: The New Class) despises Christmas because she grew up on a Christmas tree farm, and, like most kids, she probably hated doing chores. Although on a farm, it's not just chores, it's really a whole lifestyle isn't it? Up before sunrise and all that. It’s enough to make anyone give a big fat finger to the whole season. Another interpretation of her disdain for the holidays could be that she just really hates her parents and couldn't wait to get the fuck out of Dodge. It's unclear. Anyway, now that she's a successful career woman she can avoid all that holiday nonsense - oh wait - she gets fired. Coincidentally, her dad drops a fifty pound turkey on his foot and can't run the Christmas tree lot the family maintains in downtown Manhattan; good thing Elise has some time on her hands. But when she shows up to run the tree lot, she goes head-to-head with a scrooge-y department store owner, Gary Dickson (played with understated elegance by Colin Mochrie), who doesn't like all the Christmas cheer around his store. Since it would be too bizarre for both Gary Dickson and Elise MacReynolds to hate Christmas (even though Elise is more of a begrudging participant while Gary is staunchly anti-cheer), Elise goes through a startling transformation in a single tree-selling montage. In this bit of reckless filmmaking we see that she's struggling to understand the differences between a balsam fir and a white pine; she's shooing the homeless away; she's rubbing her sore feet (obviously still wearing heels); she's chasing away tree thieves. Luckily, by the end of the montage, we know she's one of the good ones because she's now offering pizza to the aforementioned homeless guy (Homeless Bob! He becomes a mainstay from this point on, involving himself in all of Elise’s hijinks). Too bad Elise doesn't get more likable once she allows Christmas into her heart. Overall Elise is stiff, annoying, and exudes just about zero femininity. Still, it's nice to see her do a 180 on the holiday season, but it all happens about 30 minutes into the movie. Very strange pacing. Then the film really slathers it on in an irritating scene where Elise finally buys a holiday drink (Gasp?), tells the people on a busy Manhattan street to 'Slow down. Enjoy the season," (so goddamn patronizing), and finally helps a guy open a mailbox (my head was about to explode). At this point, we're introduced to Elise's love interest, Darren, who starts skulking around the tree lot. They have some banter and set up a date or whatever, but he's really a non-factor in this film (although he does an excellent job doing some pratfalls on ice skates during their first date, which was the only big laugh the film gave me). Just as things are starting to look up for Elise, we find out that Gary Dickson is shutting her family’s tree lot down because it's a fire hazard. Colin Mochrie does a great job playing it mildly evil, but not over-the-top wicked. More like the benign wickedness we encounter everyday, like when someone's being sorta shitty to the barista in line at Starbucks. Set against this ensemble cast, the subtleties of his performance feel Oscar-worthy. Refusing to give up so easily, Elise and her crack team of tree-sellers (Homeless Bob in tow) tail Dickson when he leaves the department store and discover why Dickson's such a grinch: his wife, Noel, died on Christmas Eve. And, get this, she was an avid gardener!! Ahhh, what a satisfying payoff for his loathing of the Christmas tree lot. Dickson has a tearful and moving anecdote about how his wife's birthday was the same day as Christmas (although she never minded being overshadowed), and suddenly he's touched by the spirit of Christmas, too. Unavoidably, the all-powerful capitalist benefactor once again saves the day and Gary decides to reopen Elise's tree lot. In the movie's final scene the tree farm is really bumping, and Dickson, with his change of heart, is now walking around greeting all the customers. He even offers Elise a job at the department store. But what is super interesting about his character's transformation is that he's not bubbly or exuberant. He's humbled, clearly, but also deeply sad and defeated-looking, which you rarely, if ever, see in a made-for-tv movie wrap-up scene. It's as if the melting of Dickson's ice-heart has sapped all his energy, destroyed the source of his power. I imagine that he's probably going to finish out the day, go home and draw a nice hot bath, and die peacefully in his sleep, humming 'O, Christmas Tree' between slow, shallow breaths. I don't recommend this one. NSM - Non-Santa Movie TOH - Touches On Homelessness DW - Dead Wife CDEM - Capitalist Deus Ex Machina Memorable Line: "Well that was mistletotally uncool." - Elise's co-worker See you under the mistletoe, - Emile Elf --- http://52thingsayear.blogspot.com/2012/07/22.html - here's a gem from a Fir Crazy fan's blog.

All About Christmas Eve

All About Christmas Eve / 2012 / made-for-tv movie

West Coast Christmas vs. East Coast Christmas

A wintry fly-over shot thrusts us into the center of bustling Manhattan.  Irreverent, crunchy guitars bang out the chords to Jingle Bells, accompanied by a rough-around-the-edges vocal.  A smattering of establishing shots confirms that, yes, it is Christmas in New York. Cut to an interior - a throng of young party goers lets loose on the dance floor to this rousing rendition of Jingle Bells.  It’s a Christmas-themed Bar Mitzvah, the brainchild of one Eve Wright (played by the curvaceous Haylie Duff), event planner protege on her way to the top.  We’re only a minute in, and we already know we’re in for a treat.

A Nanny for Christmas

A Nanny for Christmas / 2010 / made-for-tv movie - BAILED

It's Ally Leeds, and the raspberry scone guy.

This one has been in heavy rotation for a few years.  I tried to give it a re-watch, but the hurdles were insurmountable.  I stuck it out on my first viewing in 2010 - in hindsight, I think that was a mistake.

12 Dates of Christmas

12 Dates of Christmas / 2011 / made-for-tv movie

Gosselaar and Smart bringing the cheer.

If you put Amy Smart in a made-for-tv holiday movie, you’re already 90% there. If you set it in New York City, lift the plot of Groundhog Day, and cast Mark Paul Gosselaar as the hunk from the titular date she keeps repeating, you’ve totally struck gold.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa / 2011 / made-for-tv movie There's more emotion in this photo than in the entire movie. This movie is a treat - it perfectly exemplifies the genre with its delicate teetering between holiday cheer and full-blown psychopathy.  Let's get right into the gristle.