Hitched for the Holidays

Hitched for the Holidays / 2011 / made-for-tv movie

What a cute Hanukkah bush...  the tree's not bad, either. 

In the world of low budget holiday cinema, the premise is bound to be half-baked. It's all plot holes, one-dimensional characters, and contradictory morals. After a couple beers I can usually suspend my disbelief long enough to buy into even the most absurd story. But "Hitched For The Holidays" hinged on one of the weakest conceits I've seen on celluloid, and it left me screaming at my TV.

The film opens in the back of a New York City taxi cab, where heartless Robbie (Joey Lawrence) is cell-phone breaking up with his girlfriend while on his way to a family Thanksgiving dinner. He gets a bunch of shit from his coarse, I-says-it-like-it-is Italian family for his emotional detachment (could you have something to do with it, mom and dad?) and the endless string of women he's burning through. But Robbie shrugs it off because he's of the mind that "choice is one of life's great luxuries." Then the family drops the bomb: grandma's dying wish is for him to find someone for Christmas. Oops.

Across town Julie (Emily Hampshire, who does an excellent job in this role) is getting a similar ration of shit from her uptight mom (Marilu Henner) for not finding a nice Jewish boy to settle down with (give her a fucking break, Marilu; her fiance left her last Christmas Eve and this girl's got wounds). To make matters worse, her mom set her up on a blind date with a creepy podiatrist (sidebar: when he greedily eyes her feet I was eating a tuna melt and almost had to shut the movie off).

In a shared stroke of genius to avoid the constant badgering by their families, both Robbie and Julie log into Rickyslist, a generic Craigslist stand-in, to find someone that they can "pretend" date for the holidays. Of course, they find each other and strike up a mutually beneficial agreement to carry out a fictitious relationship until Christmas. Things work out picture perfect - on their first "fake" date, a holiday office party, the sparks are flying and they are even "forced" to kiss so they can really sell it to Julie's coworkers. I don't know what kind of office Julie works at, but I feel like the HR department probably frowns upon that sort of bizarre sexual bullying.

This is where my frustration started, where "Hitched For The Holidays" really got to me. The movie clings to the idea that they are "fake" dating. BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY DATING! For all intents and purposes, they're fully engaged in a realistic adult relationship: they flirt, they bond, they go on dates, they enjoy each others company - all the basic tenets of a relationship, minus the sex. And there are plenty of couples that don't have sex; they call that marriage. Okay, I get it, Robbie likes choice (so much so that he always orders two coffees, two bouquets of flowers, won't take a steady job, etc.), but he also clearly has no qualms about jumping into relationships. Julie supposedly has a broken heart, but happily accepts the blind dates that her mother sets up, and, as we find out later, Julie was the one that broke off her previous engagement, not her fiance. So I don't understand this ruse.

Generally there's a good reason (or at least A REASON) that we, the audience, are reveling in the star-crossed lovers' sexual tensions; hoping with all our heart that their destined love will be requited, but knowing there are insurmountable obstacles in their way. That's always been the linchpin of great love stories. Not in this one. There is absolutely nothing keeping these two lonely, successful, attractive people from getting together. Nothing. And clearly they really really really like each other.

What follows is a lot of fish-out-of-water nonsense with Julie (who is Jewish, remember) ineptly trimming the tree with Robbie's family and dropping a 116 year old Christmas ornament (did they even do ornaments 116 years ago?), and Robbie lighting a menorah incorrectly at her house (he pretends to be Jewish, which is one of those plot developments that's sickeningly bad. It's just lazy to drop in a "Marino.... Uhh...  Marino-witz!" gag). We're also treated to a scene where Robbie's bed-ridden grandmother ditches the hospital and shows up at the house, I suppose to add some sort of twist, although I don't know what the point is exactly. And we get a bit of Christmas Mysticism because Robbie's mom is apparently clairvoyant and can foresee "bad things happening." After Robbie mentions that his mom used to disappear for large chunks of time when he was I kid, I was deeply intrigued that it may be connected to her clairvoyance, but, alas, none of this culminates in any sort of satisfying resolution.

Unfortunately, none of these distractions could overshadow my continued frustration with their "fake" real relationship. I know I'm harping on it. You have to watch the movie to get it. They have so much fun together the whole time, and their chemistry is white hot throughout. What's worse is that much of the movie is dedicated to them talking about their affection for one another. It's so baffling. At one point, they're stuck sleeping at Robbie's folks place when he tells her, "Women like you don't come along every day." Then he goes to sleep on the floor. Give me a fucking break. The movie does end on a high note, however, with Robbie stealing a police horse and chasing Julie's cab through Times Square on New Year's Eve. Too bad that creativity doesn't run through the rest of this tepid picture.

NSM - Non-Santa Movie

SCM - Subtle Christmas Mysticism

IH - Inclusion of Hanukkah

HCS - Horseback Chase Scene

Baby it’s cold outside,

- Emile Elf